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Articles from May 2016

Published May 30, 2016

speechless

31_speechless

My breath, when it moves around your ear, is full of unmentionable desires. Unmentionable, because I have no words for what I’m actually feeling, not because I’m shy to share them with you. I want to share this version of me that is unmasked, that is naked and raw and open to all the dimensions of being that are possible on this planet. I have no need to keep anything hidden. My darkness and my light are both available to you, if you want them. As I run a single finger along the line of your jaw, then slide down to the little indent just below your throat, the sensation I feel also goes unmentioned, for I have no words for that either. It moves me in a way I’m unaccustomed to. I think… it turns me inside out.

— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 24, 2016

bent, not broken

30_bent_not_broken

I don’t see how you can break me — even though I feel like you’ve tried! I’m too soft and flexible and fluid to snap like a branch or an icicle beneath your heavy-handed words. That doesn’t mean your interactions don’t hurt me. I bruise sometimes — especially when I forget to raise my shields. But blood vessels, even those around my heart, have a way of healing themselves, of working together to soothe and erase the damage. So don’t worry that you’re coming apart at the seams, or that you don’t know how you really feel in this exact moment, or what you really want to do. I can handle the storm of your indecision, your unknowing, your fear. I will bend a little under the weight of it all, perhaps even hit the ground, but I will bounce back. So go ahead, unburden yourself. Tell me your fiercest secrets. Your unbearable observations. Your confusion. We’ll bend together for awhile, but no one will be broken.

— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 17, 2016

ancient wisdom

29_ancient_heart
My heart is a million years old. It has died and been birthed so many times, the sensation is like blinking, it happens whether anyone’s aware of it or not.

It has seen a lot, this heart of mine. Aggression. Hunger. Beauty. Love. Evolution. Extinction. My heart has been at the centre of it, on the periphery of it, has even caused it.

Sometimes it has arrived in a fragile body, with skin that is soft and semi-transparent, and eyes that are quiet and pale. Sometimes, the body is so resilient that my heart has used its muscle to make changes that have filtered down through the ages. Sometimes, the body only lives a few days. Sometimes longer — creaking and crumbling at the end, and resting more often between tasks.

My heart is a million years old, and has loved more times than there are ants in an oversized colony. It has loved every kind of person. Every gender, every culture, every disposition. All equally. Sometimes simultaneously. Always fully — with everything that is available to it. Over time, my heart has loved every creature, every plant, every subtle shadow or shift of light.

And yet, this heart is often ridiculed. Disbelieved. Discounted. Many people only trust what they can see, or perceive in measurable units. The intangibles, like my heart, are often swept aside — sometimes accidentally, but often out of fear as someone first starts to suspect its existence.

This sustainable heart is the ultimate in recycling. It never wears out and has its origins long before the phrase “planned obsolescence” was ever dreamed of. It gives and gives and gives and only asks our co-operation in return.

This ancient heart is the part of me that “just knows”. The instinct. The gut. The primal assurance. It’s the confidence in every breath. The unshakable knowing.

My heart is a million years old — which is why I learned, early on, to trust it.

— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

 

Published May 4, 2016

impermanence

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I believe that relationships — with ourselves, with each other, with passions and desires — are all  deeply impermanent. Everything changes; the way I feel, the way I think, the way I know, what I need. What I have today may only last this moment. But that doesn’t mean I shy away from cultivating long term connections, it just means that tomorrow will be different… and that’s okay. The secret for me is being in the present moment — fully and completely — being awake and aware and allowing myself to be filled with contentment right now. I am here. You are here. This passion is here. We are awake and present and able to enjoy *now*. Holding on to things keeps me locked in the past, and anxious about the future. But celebrating the present, even with all of its inherent impermanence, always brings me to a place of bliss!

— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

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