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Articles from May 2017

Published May 27, 2017

breathing

“and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.’” ― Nayyirah Waheed

I have been waiting my whole life for a breath deep enough to melt the fear of being too much of everything. Too energetic. Too intelligent. Too fast. Beautiful. Capable. Reverent. Loving… For years, (decades maybe) I hardly breathed at all, trying to make myself small, unthreatening, invisible. I wore shapeless clothes, spoke in whispers, shifted my eyes, smiled only when caught off guard, pretended I didn’t know. I tried to hide myself away, dull my shiny bits, keep my impact on others to a minimum. But one day, when the pain of being bound in such a tiny box finally became more than I could bear, I broke down and sobbed. I sobbed for hours. For days. For weeks. Until the force of my sobbing (and the long desperate breaths that came with it) burst the restrictive bars that kept me small. Then for a long time, I lay there, stunned by the spaciousness ― delighting in each breath. Inhaling vastness. Exhaling pain. Inhaling wonder. Exhaling fear. Until I was huge and other people’s words didn’t hurt anymore. Until I could feel my feet connecting to the earth. Until I was on fire… wild and energizing and lighting up the whole sky!

— heidi kalyani, 2017 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 16, 2017

stones

There are parts of our time together that I still remember, and I keep those like stones, in my pocket. Though they are pleasing and sparkly in certain kinds of light, they weigh me down. They rattle when I walk, make my takeoffs and landings heavy when I try to fly, and press painfully against my bones when someone else embraces me.

— heidi kalyani, 2017 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 15, 2017

project 139 – six

a beard is a beautiful thing to get lost in, the scent, the softness, the stories that intertwine, dangle, get blown in the wind.

heidi kalyani, 2017, from *project 139 (or less)*

Published May 8, 2017

strings of words

 

For me, writing is love. And when I’m in love, everything tingles! I am awake to more sensations, more feelings, more energy, and more insights. I’m existing in a juicy “in between place” — a place between the known and the unknown, a place of both intention and surrender, a place where the extraordinary and the ordinary co-exist, a place that is so raw and beautiful and eternal that it hurts in that delicious way that being in love hurts, because it’s breaking me open, it’s pushing at my walls and limits, and vibrating so intensely that all I can do is sing… or dance… or string words together in long, unfurling sentences.

— heidi kalyani, 2017 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 1, 2017

i see you

Fellow human, I see you.

I see most of what you intend to show me, and much of what you don’t.

I see radiant eyes filled with sparks of deep compassion as well as great sadness.

I see swirls of energy that could move mountains, or bring them down around you.

I see an unfaltering knowing masked by years of conditioning, of doing what you thought you were supposed to do, of being rewarded for falling into place rather than honouring who you really are.

I see a heart ready to explode.

I see a wild, nearly untameable, desire to be free, to speak your mind, to say the things that feel true to you.

I see a shadow of regret, a heaviness in the way you carry your body, the weight of all the things you’ve left unsaid, the hearts you were too afraid to touch, the hugs and human connection you have turned away.

I see an infinite soul being squeezed into the space of a walnut shell by a society afraid of love, afraid of vision, afraid of anyone who doesn’t make themselves small.

I see an intellect that’s on fire, that’s juicy and vital and deeply alive, but which has every inspired idea shoved aside by someone with more fear than courage, or snuffed out by a kind of collective jealousy.

I see a body that is leaking out everywhere, trying to express itself, trying to resist the pressure of conforming to someone else’s comfort level or some manufactured idea of beauty, trying to ignore the message that it’s somehow not good enough just they way it is, even though in the deepest reaches of your inside, your body knows it just needs love.

I see a will that can change the flow of rivers, rearrange the stars and planets, bring life back to shrivelled trees, and yet still shrink to the size of a pea under outside scrutiny.

I see an abundant courage that shows up with love,  that accepts difficulties as openly as it accepts gifts, that knows that growth is imperative but rarely easy.

I see a radical optimism that strikes like lightning, transforming the night sky with its intense energy, awakening the darkest corners of our inner and outer worlds with its jolting honesty, then resting quietly while gathering enough charge to shine again.

I see hands that are filled with strength, with scars and a million tiny creases of individuality, hands that grip, that chop, that type, hands that offer support and yearn  for comfort, hands that are sources of sensuality, that are the connection between being hungry and being full, hands that are capable of almost anything.

I see an intuition that speaks loudly and asks to be heard, that can be overshadowed by the fallacy of fact, that never lies and yet is lied to.

I see a friend, a lover, a co-creator.

And I feel your pain, because some of it is mine too. We breathe the same air, you and I. Eat the same nutrients. Drink the same water. Are sustained by the same sun.

Our stories are both different and alike. It’s the uniqueness within the sameness that appeals to me, that fuels my attraction to you, that helps me hear you when you speak (with your mouth or with other parts of your being), that fills our conversations with such intense potential and transformative power, that builds the path of an open and compassionate way forward for all of us… if we let it.

Fellow human, I see you.

You are not alone.

 

— heidi kalyani, 2017

{Thanks to the lovely folks at Rebelle Society for publishing these words in the “you and me” section of their inspiring website!}

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