When I sit with myself like this, in stillness and silence, I feel vast and impervious. I am a stone that gets wet and dries off. A stem that leans into the wind and straightens again. A curl that bounces back.
— heidi kalyani, 2018
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line
Today I am a tiger. Rrrrr! I’m processing emotion before it sinks into my gut and makes tight, hard places that are almost impossible to release. Rrrrr! I’m feeling the deep, sticky entanglement of frustration. I’m noticing it, naming it and letting it go. I’m riding the crashing wave of fear. I’m noticing, naming and letting go. I’m whirling under a cloud of pain, alternately thick and dull or shifting and stabbing. Rrrrr! I’m using my awareness of the present moment (the taste of my tea, the tiny creases in the back of my hand, the rise and fall of my chest) to hold myself tenderly through these emotional storms — the way you would hold me if you were here. Rrrrr!
— heidi kalyani, 2018
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line
I sat today, on the shady steps of a series of houses that were all for sale, with a five year old who was carefully spreading hummus on crackers with a miniature spoon, then stuffing the little savoury “cookies” into their mouth — whole — and chomping away with incredible focus and devotion as if nothing else mattered. In the middle of the adult-generated whirlwind of questions, decisions, timelines, facts, factors, finances… there was a centre of calm. Spoon. Cracker. Hummus. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
— heidi kalyani, 2017
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line
I’ve stopped asking myself “what do I want to *do* today?” and started asking myself “how do I want to *be* today?” For me, *being* is much richer, more fulfilling, more enlivening — and a lot less pressure! When I’m *being*, each moment is filled with raw, open-hearted curiosity, with a wonder that is fire and serenity together, with a knowing that is unconditional, eternal and all encompassing. *Being* is when I am truly at home, fully myself, and entirely at peace. It’s a state so powerful, that when I commit to it (with gentleness, so that it doesn’t appear on any to-do lists, or in any well-intentioned self-improvement schemes), it transforms all of my *doing* into magical, compassionate gifts that amaze me with their honesty, their integrity and their infinite wisdom.
— heidi kalyani, 2017
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line
I’m learning that when I feel “lonely”, I actually need to be alone. Really alone. No books. No crowds. No electronic devices. No animals. No distracting or absorbing tasks of any kind. I need to just *be*. For the “loneliness”, I’m realizing, is a result of being separated from myself. From my inner workings. My intuition. My senses. My heart. And when I’m separated from myself like this, I begin to look for what I need in other places, in other people. I search for an external “fix”. But no one, no matter how connected we are, knows me like I do. No one can soothe my aches or dispel my confusion like I can. No one has the energy or attention for me that I do. And so when I come back to myself (with respect and full commitment), my loneliness melts away and is slowly replaced with a familiar and deeply rooted confidence, a knowing that has no doubts, no fears, no shame, only a sense of vastness, and timelessness, and profound reassurance.
— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line
I believe that relationships — with ourselves, with each other, with passions and desires — are all deeply impermanent. Everything changes; the way I feel, the way I think, the way I know, what I need. What I have today may only last this moment. But that doesn’t mean I shy away from cultivating long term connections, it just means that tomorrow will be different… and that’s okay. The secret for me is being in the present moment — fully and completely — being awake and aware and allowing myself to be filled with contentment right now. I am here. You are here. This passion is here. We are awake and present and able to enjoy *now*. Holding on to things keeps me locked in the past, and anxious about the future. But celebrating the present, even with all of its inherent impermanence, always brings me to a place of bliss!
— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line
Today, I am waking up — literally. I’m taking a long slow breath that fills both my stomach and my chest to full capacity. And then I’m letting it go… all of it. The expectations, the doubts, the regrets… all the parts of myself that are whirling endlessly without actually going anywhere. The parts that echo a turntable stuck in the static after the music has ended. Or a tire that spins and spins on the ice, burning energy without moving the car forward. If I’m going to be dizzy, I’d like to at least enjoy the journey — by dancing, by exploring the body of a lover, or by learning something new at the speed of a hundred-foot waterfall! I’m tired of the ache in the pit of my stomach, the shallow breath that makes me feel fragile and barely alive, the clumsy unsteadiness that causes me to drop things or bang my hands into hard objects that seem to appear out of nowhere. I’m breathing in again, filling myself with oxygen, with the energy of the present moment, with the lightness of *now*. And breathing out all of the disquieting distractions of my pain (which is all in the past) and anxiety (which is all about the future). In *this* moment, I am fine. I’m better than fine. I’m strong and whole and my heart’s on fire! There is no past, no future. Only this perfectly imperfect moment.
— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line