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Posts Tagged with open hearted

Published November 13, 2018

no longer, not yet

I have arrived — ripe — with both feet dancing in this place of no longer and not yet. I am making friends with uncertainty. Listening deeply. Loving enormously. Wrapping myself in vulnerability and answering yes. I’m bathing in transformation — rediscovering how to be soft and wise, curious and strong. My eyes are shining and my breath is deep. With courage as my companion, I’m ready to celebrate my full being again. No more silence to protect another’s comfort zone. My heart is alive, and my voice is my own.

— heidi kalyani, 2018 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published August 25, 2018

imperfect

I lie here nurturing my imperfect self, with my imperfect bear (worn thin from so many years of silent giving). Sometimes the tears puddle like a lake on my pillow (and Bear’s ears get wet), and sometimes I laugh so hard my body shakes. Freedom after so many years of suppression actually hurts. I’m unaccustomed to taking up so much space, to breathing so deeply, to expressing myself so fully. I know I’ve made mistakes, hurt others when I didn’t intend to, misunderstood, miscalculated, fallen down and hit my head so hard my jaw slammed shut. I know that. The reminders are everywhere for me to see (and sometimes shouted at me). What I forget is how resilient I am, how much courage and flexibility I’ve cultivated. How much awareness. I’m relearning how to love my imperfect self, as I love my imperfect bear — with curiosity, compassion, kindness and warmth.

— heidi kalyani, 2018 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 27, 2018

rewind

Thank you for helping me end the deep aching aloneness I have known for so long. The kind of aloneness that comes from not being heard, from believing in shades of grey others see as black or white, from being on the edge of no longer trusting my own intuition. The kind of aloneness that permeates so fully it becomes a surface, a skin, something that sheds kindness and human contact even when I want it more than anything. The kind of aloneness that is amplified by large crowds, and the quietest, darkest hours of the night. These are the kinds of aloneness that had become so ingrained, so habitual, so conditioned, that no matter how hard I tried to move forward, I always seemed to rewind.

— heidi kalyani, 2018 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published August 24, 2017

cracker calm

I sat today, on the shady steps of a series of houses that were all for sale, with a five year old who was carefully spreading hummus on crackers with a miniature spoon, then stuffing the little savoury “cookies” into their mouth — whole — and chomping away with incredible focus and devotion as if nothing else mattered. In the middle of the adult-generated whirlwind of questions, decisions, timelines, facts, factors, finances… there was a centre of calm. Spoon. Cracker. Hummus. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

— heidi kalyani, 2017 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 8, 2017

strings of words

 

For me, writing is love. And when I’m in love, everything tingles! I am awake to more sensations, more feelings, more energy, and more insights. I’m existing in a juicy “in between place” — a place between the known and the unknown, a place of both intention and surrender, a place where the extraordinary and the ordinary co-exist, a place that is so raw and beautiful and eternal that it hurts in that delicious way that being in love hurts, because it’s breaking me open, it’s pushing at my walls and limits, and vibrating so intensely that all I can do is sing… or dance… or string words together in long, unfurling sentences.

— heidi kalyani, 2017 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published May 1, 2017

i see you

Fellow human, I see you.

I see most of what you intend to show me, and much of what you don’t.

I see radiant eyes filled with sparks of deep compassion as well as great sadness.

I see swirls of energy that could move mountains, or bring them down around you.

I see an unfaltering knowing masked by years of conditioning, of doing what you thought you were supposed to do, of being rewarded for falling into place rather than honouring who you really are.

I see a heart ready to explode.

I see a wild, nearly untameable, desire to be free, to speak your mind, to say the things that feel true to you.

I see a shadow of regret, a heaviness in the way you carry your body, the weight of all the things you’ve left unsaid, the hearts you were too afraid to touch, the hugs and human connection you have turned away.

I see an infinite soul being squeezed into the space of a walnut shell by a society afraid of love, afraid of vision, afraid of anyone who doesn’t make themselves small.

I see an intellect that’s on fire, that’s juicy and vital and deeply alive, but which has every inspired idea shoved aside by someone with more fear than courage, or snuffed out by a kind of collective jealousy.

I see a body that is leaking out everywhere, trying to express itself, trying to resist the pressure of conforming to someone else’s comfort level or some manufactured idea of beauty, trying to ignore the message that it’s somehow not good enough just they way it is, even though in the deepest reaches of your inside, your body knows it just needs love.

I see a will that can change the flow of rivers, rearrange the stars and planets, bring life back to shrivelled trees, and yet still shrink to the size of a pea under outside scrutiny.

I see an abundant courage that shows up with love,  that accepts difficulties as openly as it accepts gifts, that knows that growth is imperative but rarely easy.

I see a radical optimism that strikes like lightning, transforming the night sky with its intense energy, awakening the darkest corners of our inner and outer worlds with its jolting honesty, then resting quietly while gathering enough charge to shine again.

I see hands that are filled with strength, with scars and a million tiny creases of individuality, hands that grip, that chop, that type, hands that offer support and yearn  for comfort, hands that are sources of sensuality, that are the connection between being hungry and being full, hands that are capable of almost anything.

I see an intuition that speaks loudly and asks to be heard, that can be overshadowed by the fallacy of fact, that never lies and yet is lied to.

I see a friend, a lover, a co-creator.

And I feel your pain, because some of it is mine too. We breathe the same air, you and I. Eat the same nutrients. Drink the same water. Are sustained by the same sun.

Our stories are both different and alike. It’s the uniqueness within the sameness that appeals to me, that fuels my attraction to you, that helps me hear you when you speak (with your mouth or with other parts of your being), that fills our conversations with such intense potential and transformative power, that builds the path of an open and compassionate way forward for all of us… if we let it.

Fellow human, I see you.

You are not alone.

 

— heidi kalyani, 2017

{Thanks to the lovely folks at Rebelle Society for publishing these words in the “you and me” section of their inspiring website!}

Published April 12, 2017

the more beautiful world my heart knows is possible


When each breath is full and deep, and my belly is a bowl of softness, when the madness of the world slows down enough that I can see each muscle shift, each weight change, of the great universal somersault, when the light from the stars on a moonless night is brighter than anything humans have created, that’s the more beautiful world my heart knows is possible.

When your arms flash around me and your lips, with a gentle kiss, brush the top of my head in a gesture both intimate and fleeting, when words flow out of me in thin, rising, entangling streams, like the curly smoke of incense in warm moist air, when my throat is so open and the room so resonant, that the resulting vibrations finally loosen everything I’ve been trying not to hold onto, that’s the more beautiful world my heart knows is possible.

When I’ve pushed my brain into a dark corner, just before the claustrophobic panic sets in, I breathe and remember how light and vast the world can be, when your hand slides onto my thigh while we’re driving in the darkness and leaves a five-pointed pool of warmth that I retrace with my own hand for days afterwards, when the combination of garlic, basil and olive oil bites my tongue with a near orgasmic splendour, that’s the more beautiful world my heart knows is possible.

When I’m tense and tired and your late-night email makes me laugh so hard everything melts away, when in the stillness of deeply listening to music, I see the shine of tears running down your face, when the sun illuminates a golden path through my room, inching slowly because this time I’ve remembered to notice, that’s the more beautiful world my heart knows is possible.

When the air and ground are so cold that the snow beneath my boots is the only thing brave enough to make a sound, when the tea in my mug is too hot to drink, but I sip it anyway knowing that some kinds of pain actually feel good, when my cry for help in the dark hours of the night is answered by the love of people I am grateful to call friends, that’s the more beautiful world my heart knows is possible.

— heidi kalyani, 2017 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

 

Published February 17, 2017

labels not required

I’m not an illustrator, a graphic designer, or a dancer. I’m not an planner, a writer, or a hiker. I’m not a seeker, a yogi, or a lover. Yes, I like to draw, design and dance. I like to think, write and walk. I like going beyond the edges of my known experience, exploring my mind-body-soul, sharing intimacy with people. I am me. Fully, completely, unabashedly. And when I meet you, I’m not seeing your occupation, your religion, your ethnicity, your gender. I’m seeing your eyes and the way they burn like lanterns on a moonless night. I’m hearing your voice and how it fills the tiny room we’re standing in, or floats up to the tops of the trees and becomes the wind. I’m feeling your energy and noticing how this connection both excites and calms every cell in my body. I’m witnessing your presence, your compassion, your tenderness. I’m aware of your breath, your heartbeat, your electromagnetic field — your aliveness. And I’m delighted by the miracle that is you, no matter what your past or future story is, no matter what you call yourself or what others call you, no matter what fascinates and obsesses you, what repels or engages you. And I hope that, in the same way, you are delighted by the miracle that is me, without naming it or labelling it or squaring it off to make me fit better into the little tick boxes our culture is so fond of.

— heidi kalyani, 2017 
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

Published March 9, 2016

turtling

8_turtling

Sometimes I think the single most radical thing we can do is to open our hearts. Truly open. Not just sometimes-when-I’m-in-the-mood open. Not sort of open. Not blinking open and closed. But fully, genuinely, all-barriers-removed open. Why is it radical? Because it’s so rare. Because fear and pain and denial all get in the way. There’s a whirring machine in our heads that churns out millions of reasons why it’s dangerous, naïve, impossible. And we listen. We hear the fear, the anger, the confusion, the self-doubt and we turtle inside the safety of our hard shells, our thick exteriors, our masks. And we never get any closer to understanding each other. To loving each other. To making peace. I invite you to look carefully next time you’re in a large crowd — if you spot someone with an open heart, talk to them, offer to hug them, thank them… because the chances are, they’re feeling pretty alone.

— heidi kalyani, 2016
from the *nothing is black and white* project: illustration created out of meditation with a single unbroken line

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